Help Your Hidden Feelings
by SophiaL17
Summary: Sleep should be a pleasant activity. Snape abhors it. He hates it. But he can't escape his much needed rest and the many dreams and memories that will reach him.
1. Chapter 1

_Sleep should be a pleasant activity. Snape abhors it. He hates it. But he can't escape his much needed rest and the many dreams and memories that will reach him. _

* * *

The potion was shimmering while he hastily put on his Death Eater robe. He summoned a small phial and walked to the cauldron to stare at its content: it had lost its blue, illuminating aura. He sighed gratefully and quickly put the freshly finished liquid in the small glass.

The phial was hidden in a pocket and he tried to decide whether he should send a message to the Headmaster, but his mind received a second pain wave in his left arm.

There was no time any more for unneeded actions.

He walked to the door and almost opened it, but quickly turned back when he saw his mask in his left eye corner. The object was grabbed violently from the table a few second later and the man marched away.

* * *

"You are late, Severus." He didn't miss the anger and impatience in his tone and answered without delay.

"The potion needed more... time." He winced behind his mask; that was no suitable excuse, at all, even if it was the truth. The Dark Lord was narrowing his eyes. He didn't comment, but turned around and motioned for the kneeling man to follow him.

The masked man stood up slowly and followed a few steps behind him. They walked to a man who was lying on the ground and Snape turned his questioning gaze to Voldemort.

"Your test object." He widened his eyes slightly and saw that he was smirking. He had thought by now that it wasn't necessary any more to test the potions that he would make for him because he had only failed once or twice and the faults were minor and the potion didn't lose its efficiency. So he opened his mouth to reply.

"My Lord, I don't-" He stopped speaking when he saw an outstretched arm in his direction. He knew at that moment that he couldn't win this argument and quickly produced the small phial from his pocket and dropped it carefully on the bony fingers.

Voldemort brought the small glass to his face and rotated it slowly to examine it. A pleased expression was formed on his face and he walked to the man on the grass. He put a hand in his hair locks and forced him to drink the potion. His hand left the frightened face, but he remained on his knees.

Nothing happened.

Voldemort narrowed his gaze and turned his questioning and doubtful eyes to Snape.

He quickly walked to the unmoved man, crouched down and put a hand on his chin to force eye contact.

His eyes were not dilated and his breathing was slower than it should be. He released his head and stood up.

Snape closed his eyes and mentally repeated the brewing process: the ingredients were fresh, his quarters had the optimal temperature and he hadn't skipped anything to accelerate the brewing.

_Wait..._

He groaned silently; he was in such a hurry that he had forgotten the last, crucial step. The potion was useless now without that final action, even if he had done the whole process perfectly.

"Severus?" His whispered voice had a dangerous quality now so he quickly opened his eyes and tried to explain himself.

"The potion... It's..." He stopped his reply and stared at the narrowed, red eyes.

"You have failed me." He swallowed and stared at the scared man again, but widened his eyes and almost flinched when he saw a bright green flash in the frightened man's direction. He saw its lifeless blue eyes and wanted to turn his shocked eyes to him, but he was hit by a spell.

The disturbed man fell on the ground while he felt a familiar pain coursing through his body.

"I have given you... more than enough time, and yet..." He stopped the spell.

"You are getting inattentive, Severus." Snape tried to stand up, but the same spell hit him again.

"And you know how important this... potion is..." He crouched down in front of the shaking body.

"But... I am in a... reasonable mood, today." Voldemort grabbed his chin and looked into the onyx eyes.

"The day after tomorrow, Severus." He nodded slightly despite his physical suffering and felt that the cold hand had released his head. The wand was lowered and he stood up to watch the trembling man with a narrowed gaze.

"Do not disappoint me again... Severus."

_

* * *

_

This is my second story already! It's a whole different direction, this one, so I'm curious to know if this idea is to your liking!


	2. Chapter 2

The door was opened and he slightly limped inside. He quickly closed the door, leaned against the wood and gradually lowered himself to the ground. His body was exhausted and his mind was drained. He wanted to close his eyes, but he couldn't rest right now. The ingredients needed to be prepared, since he was short on some of his supplies. Two days were not long and some elements were almost impossible to buy.

He gently stood up and used his left hand to support himself. He slowly walked to his storage room and roamed his eyes to every corner. All the needed ingredients were, fortunately, present, except for one.

That could cause a possible problem: a substitution could be made, but it would delay the process with at least a few hours and possibly a half day. And time was not something he had at the moment. He would have to start right now.

While the tired man exhaled, his wand was raised to collect the ingredients and he floated the small bottles and jars to his living room.

He left the room and searched for an appropriate cauldron; it shouldn't be large, but a small one would also result in a potential disaster. A middle sized cauldron was sitting lonely on a small cupboard and he decided to use that.

He sighed very deeply and started the brewing process.

_

* * *

_

The teenage boy jumped when he heard a loud banging sound and turned his head to the front door: a man stood at the doorway and was staring at him with an enraged look on his face.

"_It was you, wasn't it?" He furrowed his eyebrows while he stood up._

"_What do-"_

"_Shut up." He quickly crossed the room and grabbed his collar with his right hand."I know what you _did_, so don't deny it!" While the smaller person shook his larger hand away, he took a step back. _

"_Calm down for a-" _

"_Shut up!" The smaller body was being pushed to the table. _

_The young man staggered, but he pulled the heavy body with him and they fell with a loud thud on the metal object. He quickly pushed the bigger man away and stood up. _

"_You crazy-" He stopped talking and looked at him with an infuriated gaze before he marched away. _

* * *

A sizzling sound reached his ears. He opened his weary eyes and stared at the cauldron but started suddenly and walked to the cauldron to inspect the potion. While the weary man saw the wrong colour, he closed his eyes with an angry sigh.

He was supposed to add a few ingredients after an hour. At that time, He was staring at the cauldron and tried to keep his eyes open. But the gentle sounds of the crackling fire and the mild boiling of the liquid heightened his fatigue. They must had caused him to fall asleep at some point. It was true that he was awake now, but he didn't feel alert at all; his tiredness was accentuated now and the dreams refused to leave his almost defenseless mind.

The increasing hissing forced his mind away from his dwelling thoughts and the exhausted wizard quickly raised his wand to vanish the demolished potion.

With his eyes closed, he tried to figure out what to do next. The brewing process would have to be started from the very beginning and the missing ingredient must be made once more. Another day would be lost because of his inattentiveness and lack of control.

The disheartened man raised himself from his chair and walked to his storage room to fish out the necessary ingredients and he willed himself this time to finish the potion.


	3. Chapter 3

Snape stared at the vials with narrowed eyes. He was very tempted to grab one and drink it in one swig, but he knew he couldn't do that. He had already taken three of them this week, while the maximum was two. If he swallowed another one, it could result in a very tedious addiction and he would grow dependent on them. The Potions Master would also become more resistant to the working of that potion. The dosage couldn't be increased because the current quantity was already bordering on a very fine line.

The cupboard was closed with a loud snap.

He had tried other methods of course, such as occluding his mind or relaxing and calming himself before retiring. When that didn't work, he stayed awake for days in a row. But all of them had failed, as he had suspected before he even started. And the wizard refused to use alcohol or another substance which affected his control and numbed his brains. He already felt humiliated enough.

There was, of course, one other, unexplored option, but the contemplating man would rather endure his nightmares than asking _him _for help. That solution would remain untouched at all costs.

Snape opened the door to his bedroom and peered at his bed. No, he would not sleep there tonight. He only lay down on the cushiony and comfortable mattress when he was under the influence of his Dreamless Sleep potion. He would wake up refreshed and strangely content with a fluffy pillow under his head and a thick and soft blanket wrapped around his slightly cold body.

But not tonight.

The standing wizard closed the door and searched for an appropriate furniture. He saw a hard, wooden chair on his left and frowned his eyes. That wouldn't do: he would get another sleepless night when he would sit on that uncomfortable chair. And not to mention a really aching body and touchy mood when morning arrived.

Turning his gaze to the rest of the room, he saw the couch in front of the fireplace. The couch was his only option now.

Snape sighed and walked to that furniture. He sat down and narrowed his eyes while he tested the couch. He pulled out his wand and transfigured the cushions into a slightly more uncomfortable material. Next, the seated wizard pointed it to the flaring flame and diminished it, together with the rest of the light, with a small flick of his wrist. He then lay his wand on the nearby table. It was not in his immediate reach, but he could swiftly grab it when needed.

The raven haired man rested the back of his head on the right armrest and guided his legs to the opposite side. He closed his eyes, but his mind instantly conjured images. Images he didn't want to see. He opened his eyes with a pained expression and brought a hand to his face. His breathing quickened while the memories were invading his sight.

Snape groaned and sat up while his other hand joined the first one. Pinching his eyes shut, he tried to occlude them. He partly succeeded and that was more than enough for him.

His body quickly resumed its previous position and he willed his mind to sleep. The lying man knew that he was making his dreams even worse by blocking everything partially. He was also very tired, and tiredness would certainly weaken the mind.

But, he really needed tonight's rest; tomorrow was the deadline for the potion that the Dark Lord asked him to brew. The Potions Master had already ruined a few batches and he needed at least a half day to complete that potion. He would need all his concentration, so he could not afford and would not endure another sleepless night.

He would have to face his dreams, like many times before.

Snape closed his eyes for the second time and willed himself to ignore and stop the oncoming images.

After a few moments, he felt a strangely calm sensation washing over his body and mind.

_

* * *

_

A cracking sound was heard somewhere below him. He opened his eyes and walked out of his room, but stopped moving when he heard two familiar voices arguing loudly. A hand banged on a table while he tiptoed to the stairs. The boy narrowed his eyes and tried to focus, but he couldn't pick up an audible word.

_At that moment, he heard a slapping sound. He slowly lowered himself to the ground and closed his eyes, while he listened further._

He furrowed his eyebrows and moved his head a little.

_He opened his eyes when he felt a teardrop on his cheek. He moved his head and stared at her crying and bruised face. "Mom?" _

"_Hush..." She caressed his right cheek and sniffled. _

"_Are you okay?" The lying boy sat up and looked at her with narrowed eyes. He saw her smiling, despite the pain. _

"_Of course, dear." He frowned and stared at the nasty mark on her face. She was about to stand up, but he stopped her by gently embracing her middle. She froze, but soon put her trembling arms around his little body. He whispered the next words softly._

"_Don't lie..." _

_He heard a small chuckle and a wet kiss was planted on his forehead._

His mouth curled up at his naive mother.

* * *

"_It's very easy, Severus." He stared at the middle aged wizard on the ground. "Let me demonstrate." The cruel voice muttered a spell and the man cried out. Loud. _

_Very loud. _

_The young wizard looked away and tried to focus on a small branch on the wet ground. The other lifted his spell and turned to him. _

"_You try now." He lifted his own wand, but halted when he saw dark brown eyes looking pleadingly and scared at him. _

"_Please..." He swallowed hard and his right hand began to shake. _

"_Severus?" The voice addressed him warningly, but also a little curiously and he knew that he must continue. _

_Snape broke eye contact._

"_Crucio." _

He could still remember the frightening screams and broken pleas of his very first victim, as if it had happened yesterday.

_Snape lowered his wand when the man had lost his consciousness. "Very good, Severus." He didn't miss the proud and pleased qualities in his voice and instantly felt disgusted at himself. _

The self-loathing came to surface and he grimaced heavily.

A second memory appeared.

* * *

"_Imperio." The young witch stopped moving. He ordered her to walk to the living room and followed a few steps behind her. He saw a young man sitting on the couch and he whispered to her to knock him out. _

_They walked upstairs to the bedroom and she opened the second door on the left side. Inside were her parents and a little toddler. He ignored his feelings and thoughts and commanded her to strike them on their foreheads with a hard object. She took out a hidden knife and walked toward her sleeping family. _

_The young man closed his eyes behind his mask and tried to block out the surprised voices, the crying baby, the struggling sounds and the screams. _

_After a minute, the little child stopped his wailing and everything went quiet, except his own loud breathing._

The silent sounds caused him to groan and another memory entered his troubled, sleeping mind.

_

* * *

_

He stared at the slightly red object and dropped his school bag and trunk. The shocked boy smelled alcohol while he looked at his eyes. The drunken man smirked and staggered away to the stairs.

_He ran to the kitchen and saw that the victim was clutching her hand with a bloodied cloth. She looked up in surprise when she heard a pair of footsteps. The standing boy looking with widened eyes at her wounded hand. _

"_Severus!" He ignored her surprised voice and walked to her. He tried to remove the hand that had clasped the material. At the same time, she moved her body away from him to obscure his view, but the nimble boy had already seen the wound._

"_Mother..." She turned her head to her son when she heard the sad tone in his voice. He had balded his left fist and was looking at the direction of the stairs. _

"_I'll kill him..." The enraged son took a step away from her, but her voice stopped him. _

"_Don't." He turned to her with widened and shocked eyes. _

"_What?" She continued to gaze in his eyes. "How can you-" He paused a second to calm himself. "He _hurts _you. How can you stay with that... that... wild animal!" _

_He breathed heavily while he searched her eyes for an answer. But the woman only smiled sadly. _

"_He is your _father_, Severus." _

_Snape couldn't believe his ears... He couldn't believe how she could choose for that alien beast, and not his own son._

_He stared at her like she was a mad woman. "Why?" He paused, but she remained silent. _

_Snape couldn't control his anger any more. _

"_Have you lost your _mind_?" The woman stood up and walked to him. His anger evaporated when he saw her mournful face. He touched her face and whispered in a pained voice. _

"_I... I refuse to wait until... until I find you one day...all alone...with no...no...heartbeat..." A tear left his cheek and fell on the ground. His mother raised her unwounded hand and dabbed his cheeks. _

"_My dear..." Her son embraced her gently, but firmly. He felt an arm half clasping his middle and heard a soft whisper in his ear after a few seconds. _

"_I will _never _leave you, my dear Severus." _

_He closed his eyes and held her tighter. _

A few tears left his cheeks and he felt an unknown aura trying to soften his pain and calm his mind.

Another dream appeared.

* * *

"_Very good job, Severus." He stared at the ground and remained silent, but heard that the other was circling him._

"_But... there is a small problem." Snape swallowed and looked at the young, blank face. He tried to think of a plausible excuse to spare her life, but his mind was not working._

"_No survivors are allowed." He closed his eyes and a pained expression was formed behind his mask. The Dark Lord circled him one more time and stopped in front of him. "So, she's all yours..." _

_The Death Eater exhaled a deep breathe while he opened his eyes. He took a small step toward the woman and pointed his wand to her. He swallowed soundly and tried not to listen to his feelings and emotions. He was about to whisper the Killing Curse, but a loud, speaking voice reached his ears and effectively stopped his impossible task._

Never in his life was he more grateful to the Aurors than that time and a very small smile was formed with his mouth.

A foreign sensation tried to block his next conjured dream.

_

* * *

_

The standing man stared at the familiar carpet and tried to tranquil his disquiet mind.

"_How could you?" His voice sounded disturbed._

"_This is how you repay me?" He swallowed and tried to reply, but his throat was shut._

"_After all I have done for you?" The distressed wizard shifted his footing and opened his mouth, but the voice continued._

"_How could you?" He quickly looked at the blue eyes._

"_I already-" _

"_Spare me your excuses. You are only wasting my time." The voice sounded cold now._

"_Please, listen to me! I-" The furious man didn't listen him. _

"_You make me sick." He felt that his heart was cracking, and an intense, mental pain was travelling to every part of his body. He tried one more time to plead._

"_It's... it's not what-"_

"_Goodbye, _Severus._" The aged wizard turned his back toward him and stared at the window. _

_He had said his name with such revolt and hatred..._

He felt the pain. He felt it very clearly and he grunted soundly.

"No..." He moved his body and wanted to stop the terrible burn.

The next dream was not real, but the pain was certainly reality.

_Someone... _

* * *

A hand was brought close to his forehead and someone muttered another sequence of foreign words. A wand was pointed between his eyes and the other closed his eyes again with a deep, almost frustrated sigh. The wizard frowned in intense concentration and tried again, this time with an even stronger spell.

_

* * *

_

He was... where was he?

_He saw nothing. Everything was black around him. He could only see his own limbs._

_Suddenly, the blinded man fell on a hard surface. He stood up and looked around, but something was wrong. Everything was blurred or distorted. The standing man tried to find something he could recognize, but everything was too unfocused or deformed. _

_A sudden scent from his childhood caught his attention. _

_Alcohol._

_Snape turned his body toward the foul aroma and saw his father. But he looked different. The environment had deformed his body and face and he looked inhuman. Yet he could still see his devilish smile that he would use when he-_

"_Hello, boy..." _

_Suddenly, a small laugh, a familiar laugh, reached his ears and he turned his head to his left. The Dark Lord. He was less distorted than his previous visitor, but his legs had an abnormal long shape and his left arm was larger than the rest of his body._

"_Finish your task, Severus."_

_Snape looked between the two of them, but a hand touched his left shoulder and forced his attention to the new presence. He gazed at a very familiar face. _

_At first glance, there was nothing wrong with his appearance. But, when Snape looked into his eyes, he saw that they hadn't the twinkling blue colour. He narrowed his gaze and noticed that they looked like his own pair of eyes. _

"_How could you?" _

_Snape widened his eyes when the three men repeated themselves. He wanted to move, but his legs were trapped. He looked around and saw that they were were nearing him._

"_How is your... mother doing?" _

"_The Killing Curse will do."_

"_I gave everything for you." _

Stop...

_The three persons were circling him now and continued to speak. All his hidden and unseen feelings were returning to him; one by one. _

_And he couldn't do anything to stop it._

"_Is she...well?" _

"_Let me demonstrate it."_

"_And this is how you repay me?" _

Please... someone...

_He was being choked by the overwhelming sensations. _

"_Is she... rotting away?"_

"_Now you do it." _

"_I believed_ _you..." _

Help me...

_He couldn't think any more... everything was going blank._

"_Do you want to see her... _mutilated _body?" _

"_Kill them, all of them."_

"_I _trusted _you." _

Albus...


	4. Chapter 4

Snape slowly opened his eyes and saw light; it wasn't very bright, but it still hurt his eyes that were accustomed to the dark, so they quickly closed themselves and he groaned slightly.

A semi-warm hand touched his forehead. The lying man hastily opened them again and tried to look around him, but the environment was still blinding him. He groaned frustrated, shook the hand gently away and turned his head to the couch.

His body froze when he heard a movement behind him. It could be possible that his mind was hallucinating that sound, but he heard more movements and he immediately dismissed that idea. They tried to be silent, but he could hear their muted footsteps.

The door to his quarters was closed: a password was required to enter and he had wards surrounding his chambers. The spells would alarm him if someone tried to force their way in. But, perhaps the intruder was experienced enough and had founded a way to enter his rooms unnoticed.

A small voice tried to whisper their thoughts, but he was too engrossed in his deranged assumptions to hear the most logical answer.

His disarrayed and drained mind continued its frenzy thoughts and circled his first suspicion: a trespasser.

If he was fast enough, he could overwhelm the unwanted visitor. A second was all he needed: if he could grab his wand, that person would be easily overmastered.

The thinking wizard took a deep breath and tensed his body. The next second, he was on his feet and half dived to the wooden table to grab his wand. While he crouched down, a human form could be seen in his eye corner and he quickly fired a nonverbal spell in their direction before they could react. The crouching wizard glided away to evade an oncoming spell, but he didn't hear the sounds of his own charm. Or another spell: his ears detected a slightly raised and very surprised voice.

"Stop, Severus!"

The astonished voice sounded very familiar to him and he knew at that moment who the visitor was. After all, he was the most sensible possibility, but a large part of his mind had strangely ignored it. But, more importantly, he had attacked him without hesitation. It was a foolish fault on his part, but it had occurred. He groaned, closed his eyes and tried to forget the last five minutes, or, even better, the past few days.

"Severus?" A semi-warm hand touched his shoulder and gently coerced him away from his mental thoughts. Opening his suddenly fatigued eyes, he gazed at the crouched man and abruptly remembered his last actions.

"Albus, I... Are you all right?" Snape stared at the bent body.

"Of course." The bewildered man didn't believe the other's words and examined his body, searching for an injury.

"But-"

"Your spell did not hit me." Snape quickly looked at the blue eyes again.

"How?" Dumbledore disregarded his question and looked at the other's body.

"Are _you_ all right?" The Potions Master frowned his eyes at the irrelevant inquiry.

"Why are-"

"Can you stand up?" Snape became confused. Again.

"What-"

"Yes or no?" He froze at the strange behaviour of the old wizard and continued to stare at him with his quizzical stare.

"Severus." His voice had an almost commanding tone and an unfamiliar quality he didn't recognize.

"Yes... I-"

"Take my hand, I'll help you." There was something wrong. The Headmaster was acting very peculiar in a way he had never seen before. He saw a hand extending itself to him while the the fingers on his shoulders left him and he shakily grabbed its assistance. He was raised with an incredible strength of his aid and was guided to the couch.

Snape observed the tall man. He was pacing around the room and would occasionally look at a different direction, as if he was looking for something, but couldn't seem to find it. After two minutes, he stopped in front of the seated man.

"Have you started?" The Potions Master turned his eyes to the blue orbs.

"Sorry?" Dumbledore sighed deeply.

"The _potion_." Snape widened his eyes. It was very odd. He hadn't told anyone about his secret assignment, not even the Headmaster, so the other couldn't possibly know a thing about that particular potion.

"I don't know what potion you're talking about." It was a gamble, and it could fail to favour his wish, but he tried it nonetheless. He looked at the blue eyes and saw immediately that he was unsuccessful.

The weary man averted his gaze. If he already knew about his mission, it was better not to fake his ignorance any more. He was already too tired to argue and time would not wait for him. The sooner Dumbledore left, the more chances he had to successfully brew the tedious potion.

"No... I have not started." Snape purposefully omitted a word, hoping that the Headmaster could speed up his departure.

"When is your next meeting?" The sitting man thought for a moment.

"Tomorrow, or today's evening."

"Good." Dumbledore nodded once and walked to his supply room. A minute later, he came back with a handful ingredients. He narrowed his eyes when he examined them: they were the ingredients that were needed to brew the potion.

"You are missing an element. Do you have a substitute?" He paused two seconds. "No matter, I will make an alternative ingredient." The Headmaster set the jars and bottles on the table and searched for a cauldron.

Snape began to notice what the other wanted to do. "Wait... what are you-"

"Where is- ah! I see it." The Headmaster located his used cauldron and levitated it to the rest of the supply. Then, he transfigured the table so it was a more suitable furniture to brew a potion. The flame was ignited and the cauldron was set atop the small fire.

"Wait!" Dumbledore turned his questioning eyes to him, before he answered.

"You should rest."

"I – What?" Snape was getting more confused and puzzled with each passing second. His mind was still too bewildered to think clearly, but it seemed that the Headmaster was planning to make the potion, _his _modified potion.

"You should get some much needed sleep."

This was getting too absurd: first, the Headmaster came to his chambers, uninvited and unwanted, next he acted like nothing had happened after a harmful spell was fired, and Dumbledore's abruptly changed behaviour was not explained, then he volunteered to make his potion, without his consent, and the old wizard somehow knew that he hadn't slept very well. His mind couldn't digest it any more and he was too fatigued to ask a question. He suddenly felt the tiredness both mentally and physically, and leant back on the very soft cushions while he closed his heavy eyes. But he opened them one more time to gaze at the working man a few meters away from him.

Snape thought that the tall man was focused on his brewing, but when he looked at his eyes, he saw that the blue orbs were concentrating intently at him with a strange, mixed look of anxiety, concern and that foreign glint.


End file.
